Saying Goodbye
by Raloria
Summary: Dean's thoughts and feelings about his dad during the final scenes of Devil's Trap and IMTOD. Character Death. Very Angsty.


**Title:** Saying Goodbye  
**Word Count:** 584  
**Note:** Spoilers for Devil's Trap and In My Time Of Dying  
**Summary:** Dean's thoughts and feelings about his dad during the final scenes of DT and IMTOD.  
**Warnings:** Very angsty and sad. Keep those tissues handy. Character Death.  
**Disclaimer:** Erik Kripke owns Sam & Dean and John. I'm just a fan letting her creative juices flow and dealing with my own personal angst in the process.  
**Feedback:** Yes, please.

_This story was always so personal to me, but two years after writing it, I feel it's time to share it with the world._

**_This story is dedicated in memory of my dad who died on May 12, 2006, eight days after "Devil's Trap" aired._**

**_By the time the show resumed in the fall with "In My Time Of Dying", I was dealing with the loss of my father just as Sam & Dean were. Their journey of grief & pain mirrored my own._**

* * *

You say comforting words.

Ones I don't believe, not from you.

My alarms go off.

My gut overiding my heart.

This isn't you, not you.

The Demon is here.

**And it seems like we're saying goodbye.**

I never could imagine pointing a gun at my own father.

It feels heavy in my hand.

My gut screams that I'm right while my heart yells for me to stop.

I waver, even while Sam stands by my side.

I don't want this to be true.

**Because it feels like it might mean goodbye.**

The yellow eyes of a demon bore into me, while your voice taunts and hurts me.

_"This isn't dad, this isn't dad"_, whispers like a mantra in my head.

I know you're in there, trapped, helpless.

**And I'm not ready to say goodbye.**

My mouth is about to get me in trouble again.

I never could keep it quiet.

I know I've pushed too far when the pain rips into me.

Blinding hot, tearing my flesh, draining my blood.

I suddenly find myself praying for strength, for hope, for an end.

I reach out for you, hoping you can help me, but the fiery eyes just deliver more agony.

I'm weakening, my life slipping away.

_"Dad, please."_

Nothing left, but darkness, defeat.

**I don't want to say goodbye.**

Sam has the gun, ready to shoot and follow your order.

No, don't leave us this way.

I need you too much.

_"Sam, please, don't."_

**I can't bear to say goodbye.**

Darkness and then blinding reality returns.

I was almost dead they say, but by some miracle I've been healed.

Yet I don't feel myself and there's this odd pit in my stomach warning me something's wrong.

My gut yelling loud and clear.

But you and Sam are alive and I'm grateful.

I try not to question it.

You and Sam pick up where you left off, with hurtful words aimed at each other that sting into my heart.

You tell Sam you don't want to fight anymore and send him away as my gut screams a little more.

You tell me how proud you are of me.

How I never complained about the burdens I've carried since childhood.

I feel uncomfortable with such praise and I wonder if the Demon has returned.

You cry, saying it's you saying these things.

**But it sounds so much like goodbye.**

You tell me not to be scared, but what you whisper only fills me with dread.

Something so horrible, so impossible.

I want to yell, _"No, Dad. I can't."_

But I'm in a stunned silence.

There's a finality in the way you nod your head and look at me.

My heart gripping in a fear I can taste.

You walk away and I want to run after you.

My gut screams this is wrong, this can't be real.

**Because I think you just said goodbye.**

Sam helps me to your room, the blare of the machines filling my ears.

This can't be happening, this isn't real.

You were just talking to me.

I beg for you to fight, to find your way back.

This isn't the way it's supposed to end.

Not for you.

You're so still, no breath in your lungs.

Time stops and I can't feel anything, not even Sam at my side.

I will for a heartbeat, a sign.

But you lay there, so still and I know it's over.

My gut screams again, along with my heart.

**This wasn't supposed to be goodbye.**

_

* * *

Thank you for reading. Reviews are welcomed & appreciated._


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